My mind works in a very theatrical way. It always has. It's just my natural thought pattern. When I look back on my life I see it like a movie. I see high points, low points, climaxes, sometimes I even hear an underscore. I can go back to those past feelings so easily. Even the ones I've let go of or at least put to bed or learned to deal with a little better. You have to find away to handle them to survive. In that way, I suppose I'm a bit of a method actor.
Now, getting back to fear, I find the older I get, the more I spend the bulk of my life in abject terror ALL the time. I'm going to use performing as an example just because to go into the deep personal stuff would be a novel and I think this will get my point across a little more clearly.
I'm a born performer. I don't know anything else, I can't do anything else well (at least not that I enjoy). I could never have the love and dedication for any other career that I have for Entertainment. As a kid, I was always in a top hat twirling a cane, sitting in front of the television memorizing every song from every MGM musical, every heroine's speech, and every star's life story. As a teenager, I performed. I did every show I could. I sang, I told jokes, did impressions, hosted events, became drama club president, taught classes about musical theater, mentored people, you name it. There was no question of where I was going. The goal seemed so attainable.
Then I became an adult. It happened a little too quickly for various reasons and I found myself being bounced around and forced to try to support myself out of necessity which led to many personal and physical problems as well. But whatever crumby little job I worked, I knew it was just a stepping stone but still started to feel a little hopeless and stuck.
Fast forward a few years, I have a sudden span of time where I'm getting performance work left and right. For a solid year I was recording, hosting shows, I did a Burlesque show which was a blast, I did two films, wrote a lovely ballad with two friends, and got all the creative juices flowing at full speed. And the best thing about all of this is that it all basically fell into my lap. One gig led to another and parts and music was written tailored to me and my personality and stage persona. Now, the downside to this is gradually, this fear crept in. I'm still not a hundred percent sure what it is I have. I just go out and do what I do and people seem to respond to it. I don't know where that comes from and therefore I don't always know how to summon it at command. It comes all by itself and it's one of the only things about myself I've found I can rely on. But what if one day it's not there. As I said to my friend yesterday, "I wake up every morning and think 'This is the day they're going to catch me and find out I'm a complete fraud'". What do they expect of me when they ask me to do these things? And even worse what if I disappoint? I realize this is completely irrational because I can honestly say I've never truly bombed in front of an audience even if I knew the material I was given to do was a piece of shit. I learned that from Bette Davis. Always give an A performance even if it's in an B piece.
These feelings and fears have carried on into my personal life and I'm at a point where I just don't know who to trust, who to believe, who really cares about me, or if I'll ever be on my feet and well much less, dare I say it, happy. The song that explains this better than I ever could is "What Did I Have I Don't Have Now" from "On a Clear Day You Can See Forever". In fact it's one of my favorite songs that I've alway been scared to death to sing because it hits so close to home. Anyway, that's my neurotic rant. Hopefully it made some sense.
