Saturday, October 2, 2010
Tyler Clementi
Ellen's Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br7nbQSIyhg
Article:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/victim-secret-dorm-sex-tape-commits-suicide/story?id=11758716
A few days ago, I was sitting out on the porch with Andrew having a cup of coffee and relaxing. His mother, Robin came home with red eyes. She had been crying. She told us that she couldn't wait all day to get home and see us and call her son, Matt because she had read about Tyler Clementi's suicide. Tyler was an 18 year old college student who committed suicide as a result of a rather despicable case of cyber bullying. I'm pretty sure everyone knows the story by now, so I'm not going to rehash it. I posted the ABC News article and video above this entry.
It's rare that I comment on stories like this. It's not that I don't feel compassion for these kinds of things, I'm just not usually inclined to openly share my opinions. However, this hit really close to home. I know a lot of Rudgers students and I also know a lot of victims of bullying and teasing and ignorance. Well, to be honest, I've been one myself. After seeing how upset Robin was about this, it really made me think. First off, that is exactly the reaction that all parents should have when hearing things like this. She's a textbook example of a good parent and I look up to her. The more I hear and read about this, the more it just makes me sick to my stomach. I have to let it out somehow.
There is no one in the world who has the right to pass judgement on another person for any reason, especially about something they can't change about themselves. And no one has the right to use the word "shame". Anyone who says to a child or even an adult, "You should be ashamed of yourself" needs to realize the harm they can be doing. This kid was 18 and felt he had no choice but to end his life because of some meaningless, senseless, act of spite, hatred, and I'll bet anything, a healthy dose of insecurity and self-loathing on their part.
This kind of hatred and intolerance starts very early. I've seen it happen. I've always loved the Rodgers & Hammerstein song, "Carefully Taught" because it's true. Children watch you so closely. They're like sponges that soak everything up. It's every parents responsibility to be there for their kids, to support and love them unconditionally. It's also our duty as humans to be there for one another and really think to yourself, "How would I feel if someone did this to me?". And if the answer isn't a good one, DON'T DO IT! I've grown up around intolerance, negativity, and all the rest of it. I was lucky enough to find a strong sense of myself and to find people who would be there to help and support and love me. Not everyone is so lucky.
What else has to happen before we all step up and do something? Before people realize that hating another person for any reason is just a complete waste of energy and makes no sense? I just think we all need to stop being so apathetic and silent and pay more attention to the people around us. If you see someone who looks a little down, would it kill you to ask them what's wrong? It's so important to let the people you care about know how you feel about them. You never know when that knowledge might come in handy. I think we're often too shy or embarrassed to share those feelings. Why? I don't see what harm can come from letting someone know you care and that they're not alone. People thinking they have nowhere to turn is what leads to things like this.
Another thing that needs to stop is the ridiculous and completely out of hand spreading of lies and gossip about people. I've always been amazed by the projection of self-loathing onto others. It's incredible to think how many people feel better about themselves when they hear something negative about another person. It's a little sick when you think about it. If you need another person's downfall to feel good about yourself, then you have a serious problem that has nothing to do with them. There's no reason for anyone not feel comfortable in their own skin and others shouldn't give them a reason. The reasons don't really exist and they're dangerous weapons that can destroy you.
In the final analysis, I suppose the whole point of my writing this was just to put my two cents in and express how I feel about this. But also to say that the world needs to realize how much we all need each other. We inhabit this tiny planet together and to survive, it will have to be together or not at all. No matter what they are or what they do, people are people with feelings and hearts and minds. Everyone needs to remember that and not let one thing about another person define your opinion and drive you to do things to hurt or harm them. These kids who are teased and tormented aren't just pictures in your mind. They're human beings just like you, and they're entitled to the same respect that all humans are.
You've got to be taught
To hate and fear
You've got to be taught
From year to Year
It's got to be drummed
in your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught
You've got to be taught
To be Afraid
Of people whose eyes
are oddly made
And people whose skin
Is a different shade
You've got to be carefully taught
You've got to be taught
Before it's too late
Before you are 6 or 7 or 8
To hate all the people
your relatives hate
You've got to be carefully taught
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Wake up parents! One day you are raising your children in your own little world and then the next day your child tells you he is gay. The way I see it we have 2 choices...love and accept them for who they are or reject them and lose them forever. My husband and I chose love and acceptance because they are still the same beautiful children that we raised. Through them our eyes were opened and our family is truly blessed. Their friends have become an important part of our family and we love very much. My only hope is that someday we don't have to live in fear of the ignorance in this world.
ReplyDeleteRobin
Like I said, you're both incredible parents and there are a lot of parents out there who could learn a lot from you. You've both made a huge difference in my life and your children's lives and all of us are grateful for it every day. I love you <3
ReplyDelete:)
ReplyDeleteRobin
I love and agree with everything you said. I've always respected parents who are loving and accepting of their kids, and the Schmidts are a perfect example of how every parent SHOULD treat their gay child.
ReplyDeleteI wrote my own article about the situation on my blog...More like bullying in general.
But you're right. Hate is taught. It kind of reminds me of something Mike said to me;
"No one in New York- At least no REAL New Yorker, is racist. They're raised to realize that everyone is different, because there are differences all around them."
Homophobia is the new Racism. Some day, people will look back on all of the shit we've all struggled with.
'You mean black people couldn't marry white people?'
'You mean women couldn't vote?!'
But we'll keep fighting for gay rights, Vince! We'll be part of history. hahaha I got off on a tangent, sorry.
I need to make one more comment...Accepting that my sons were gay did not happen overnight. I never stopped loving my sons but it took me awhile to understand it and accept it. so if you are gay and your parents are struggling with this, be patient. If they truly love you they will accept it in time. I realized over time that as a parent our hopes and dreams for our children were not the same as their hopes and dreams. I finally let go of this and let them be who they are as each and everyone of you should be free to be who you are. I still have things to let go of, but I'm getting there by the help of my kids and their friends. Robin
ReplyDeleteRobin, you've been through so much, had all you beliefs challenged an come out a stronger and better person because of it. You are an amazing human being and you'll always have the love and support of your kids and their friends....particularly this one <3
ReplyDelete