Many psychoanalysts have asked me what my first memory is. And the answer is always the same: "I remember a beautiful lady in a red dress sitting in a window singing to a little girl at Christmas time". We now of course know, that the little girl was Margaret O'Brian and the beautiful lady was Judy Garland. The film was "Meet Me In St. Louis". It's such a clear memory. The big brown eyes that I peered into, the sparkly knitted scarf she took off of her head. I literally can't remember a time in my life without her in it.
Now, strangely enough, I saw "The Harvey Girls" before "Meet Me In St. Louis" but that didn't come back to me until a few years later when I saw it again and remembered the scene where they sing "It's a Great Big World". I saw "The Harvey Girls" and "Meet Me In St. Louis" when I was about two. Oddly enough, I wasn't exposed to "The Wizard Of Oz" until I was about four. And let's face it, there's no coming back from that.
But it was her. It was always her. There was something in her I saw in myself even at that age. I still get choked up which is why I don't speak about it often. They're not sad tears. They're tears of joy, tears of a time in my life when she was there. She was always there and still is. I never saw her as a movie star or a legend. To me, she was just my Judy. If I was sad, I'd put on a record and she'd make me feel better. If I was happy, I'd pop in a movie, and we'd celebrate together. It's a tradition that goes on to this day nearly thirty years later.
The thing is, I didn't want to only know the "public persona" of this lady. I wanted to suck up all the information I could about her as a person, because that's how I saw her. My first day of school I came home furious because I still couldn't read and had pile of books about her that I couldn't wait to devour. When I finally did, I still had that mystical image of her because she was so talented yet SO incredibly human. For better or worse, we had a lot more in common than I could ever dream possible. She taught me to see the similarities in all of us rather than just the differences. That, along with the ability to laugh are the two greatest gifts she gave me.
I, myself have been praised, paid many compliments about my performing and so forth, and you kind of wonder after a while, "Who are they talking about?". You're grateful and sometimes need the reassurance, but when you go home, scrape off the makeup, and get into a pair of pajamas, you're just you. And that can be very hard to accept and/or understand. So I can't even imagine what being JUDY GARLAND must have been like. Barbra Streisand talks about it a lot and I get it. She sings a song called "Being Good Isn't Good Enough" and I encourage you all to listen to it.
In the final analysis, Why do I love Judy? I can't answer it simply, except to say that she makes me happy. She's there for a laugh, a cry, a lazy afternoon. SHE'S THERE. She can't desert me and even though it's not physical, she's been the only constant in my life and at times the only one I can count on. I find it insulting hen people refer to her life as "tragic". Bullshit. Look what she gave. Look what she left us! Nothing but joy and laughter and talent that can never be duplicated.
I hope that answers any question anyone may have on the subject.
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